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Article by Kurt Foulks

Question:My husband cheated on me and I feel so betrayed and angry with him. Is there a way that I can tell him how I feel without lashing out at him and actuation him farther away from me?Answer:If you’re struggling to deal with your husband’s affair or cheating ways, you’re not alone. Many women state they feel alone and don’t know what to do next. A great place to begin sorting out your feelings and emotions is to write a letter to your husband. But be careful when you’re writing the letter, because your feelings about the affair will most likely change as time goes on. Also, the letter you write will set the tone for your recovery. And as has happened before, letters such as this can often lead to misunderstandings and injured feelings.However, I comprehend your reasoning for wanting to write a letter. Often times, it’s difficult to place hard feelings into words. And usually what ends up happening to us is we break down and choke up when we’re trying to express our thoughts and feelings. So naturally it makes sense that we would want to write down our thoughts and feelings instead. Now I can’t write the letter for you, but I can give you an intent of what to say. Using a Letter to Release Your Thoughts about the AffairThe first letter you write might not even necessarily go to your husband. Many women find this extremely beneficial because they get to privately express repressed and injured feelings. In fact I encourage you to do this. If you don’t want to write a letter for your husband, that’s ok, but I think you should do one for yourself that no one else sees.The ideal part about writing this kind of letter is that you don’t have to censor yourself or worry about how the letter will be perceived by others. After the letter has been written, it’s a good intent to hide it or superior yet, burn it because it’s not meant for anyone but you. Since you’re the only one reading the letter, don’t hold back, let it all out. Go crazy and let it all out and then place the letter away where no one can find it. Because the letter is only meant to release your feelings, it’s not meant to be shared with anyone else. Now that we’ve talked about the letter you write to yourself, let’s look at the kind of letter you should write for your husband.The Purpose Behind Your LetterBefore writing your letter to your husband, take a minute to think about the purpose behind it. What do you want your husband to take away after he reads it? A lot of women write letters with the intention of making their husbands feel guilty or ashamed about their actions. They’re trying to get their husbands to comprehend how much pain and anger the affair caused. They want to give him a small glimpse into their lives so he can see the far reaching after effects of his affair. I absolutely comprehend your rational. But this is why you need to comprehend what you want your letter to state and what you want your husband to take away from it when he’s done reading it. Women might not admit this to themselves, but the underlying issue behind writing letters is to improve the situation. Women hope that as their husbands read the words of the letter, they’ll comprehend how their actions affected their lives and pledge to never cheat again.The problem is that it usually backfires and you get the opposite result from what you intended. It’s true that this type of letter will leave your husband feeling guilty. But might husbands also see the letter as a continuation of things. In response to this type of letter, most men will usually state something like: “I’ve already heard this a million times and the more I hear it, the less I want to do. I get it! I screwed up. But why do we need to rehash everything again and again? I’ve already told her that I was sorry and want to save the marriage. So how does her letter change things? All she’s done is written down a conversation that we’ve already had? All this tells me is that I’ve let her down and disappointed her and she’s just trying to rub it in. But that’s nothing new. It’s not necessary for her to repeat it.”This is the reason you need to know and comprehend what the objectives of your letter are before you sit down to write it and ask yourself if there’s a chance that your husband could mis-interpret what you’re saying or trying to get crossways to him.Things to Include In Your Letter to Your HusbandA well crafted letter will help a marriage improve, even after an affair. But you’ve got to be careful what you write. Because as you’ve seen from the example above, a letter written in haste and malice can actually set a marriage back, instead of moving it forward. The true power of your letter shines forth when you clarify and misconceptions or misunderstandings that the two of you had as well as outline your intent and plan for moving forward. A letter written the right way can and will set the tone of your marriage and its recovery for the next few weeks and months.As an example, rather than just spouting off about the affair and how it’s affected your life, you might want to include some details about how you would like to move forward and then outline what you need for that to happen and how. When writing your letter make sure it contains these 3 things: your current feelings, what your needs are and your future intentions. It’s understandable that you’d want to include some information about how the affair has affected your life, but don’t make that the sole focus of the letter or else you won’t get what you need from your husband. It’s ok to focus on your feelings in the letter, but once that part’s done, outline exactly what you need from him in the coming weeks and months. If you need more reassurance, accountability or affection, the letter is the perfect time and place to ask. It’s easier to place these things in writing sometimes, especially when we’ve been deeply hurt. But the ideal thing for both celebrations involved is that it’s written down and documented so your husband can refer to it again and again any time he has questions about what you need from him to move forward in your marriage.Lastly; make sure to include what your intentions are moving forward. Most husbands have no intent what their wives need from them after an affair. So if you want to save your marriage after an affair, take time to write down your feelings and expectations for your husband that tell him exactly what you need and how he can help get you there.

About the Author

Now you know how to write a letter to your husband and tell him how you feel about the affair. The next thing you need to do is help him comprehend what you need and anticipate from him. Learn how to do that here .

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