Forgiving a Cheating Husband. Should You? If So, How?
Forgiving a Cheating Husband. Should You? If So, How?
If you’ve found this article, you should know that I absolutely comprehend the emotional roller coaster that you’re on. I know first hand how the rug can be pulled from underneath your feet. I know how you can alternate between wanting things to return to the way they were to wanting to escape all together.
I know how the hurt, betrayal, and confusion can bombard your existence and cloud your judgment. But, I also know that I’m here this day writing about my experience superior off and stronger because of it. Ultimately, I selected forgiveness rather than continuing on with the pain, the score keeping, and allowing the negativity to continue. This was a very conscious and somewhat difficult choice on my part, but in no way do I regret it, even though it wasn’t always easy. In the following article, I’ll share with you the considerations that went into my choice to forgive, in the hopes that something here will resonate with you and help somewhat.
First, You Should Know That It Took Time, Hard Work, And Commitment: Before I get into specifics, I want to fully disclose that this healing by no means happened over night. There were some very difficult days in between. There was a lengthy period of time when I was so angry with my husband that I would not speak with him. There was also a good length of time where I prefabricated a usage of reliving and rehashing the past in an attempt to punish him. I later learned that these highly swinging and fluctuating emotions were the world’s way of telling me that I was missing or not fully addressing something or that I was trying to carry on before all of the issues were resolved.
You must grant yourself the time and space to heal. You must be gentle and patient with yourself. Do not impose any time limitations on yourself and don’t grant any negative self speak like “I should be over this by now,” or “how will I mess this up this time?” or “I know it’s only a matter of time before he cheats again.” The truth is, the negative thoughts will create a continuous loop in your mind if you grant them to. It’s important to always evaluate the thoughts and emotions that you are feeling and how you are allowing them to influence your own outcome.
Getting What You Need To Move On: If you’re really going to heal, you’re going to need to be very honest with yourself and your husband. You’ll likely need to know that you’ll never have to worry about him cheating again and you’re going to need his good establishment “proof” of this. Often, this means that you’ll need him to check in, be where he states he was going to be, and to be with who he stated he was going to be with. He will need to cease all contact with the other woman and he will need to give you “full access” to what is going on with him. He will need to take responsibility for the affair, do whatever is necessary to ensure that it never happens again, and be willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal.
Together, you both will need to carefully analyze the vulnerabilities in your marriage and determine exactly where it broke down. You’ll need to address and fix these issues and place safeguards in place to ensure that this breakdown doesn’t repeat. This often requires long, open, and honest speaks and the willingness for both celebrations to take responsibility for fixing what’s broken.
Addressing Self Worth And Vulnerability: It’s very common for an affair to leave a wife doubtful, fearful, and the not so chesty owner of much lower self esteem. You can’t help but wonder what is wrong with you and whether your husband still finds you captivating and appealing. You’ll start to doubt what you always thought was true and wonder how you could have been so naive. You’ll doubt your own coping capabilities and wonder how you let things get so far off course.
It’s so important that you do not blame yourself. Always remember that it was your husband (not you) who prefabricated this decision. Keep in mind that he did so of his own free will in an attempt to assist his (not your) shortcomings. Always know that you are still beautiful, worthy, and enough – and that his actions can not change that for you.
Forgiving A Husband For Cheating Is A Very Conscious Decision: Deciding to forgive a cheating husband is a very deliberate and conscious decision. It should not be rushed or taken lightly. Before committing to it, you should make sure that you have received what you need from your husband and have done the work on your marriage and yourself.
But, you should also comprehend that choosing forgiveness is not about giving your husband a pass for his bad behavior. Forgiveness is not for him. It is for you. It is something you selected for yourself because you no longer want to be burdened by the anger that clouds your joy or the fear that limits your spontaneity and confidence. You no longer want to grant the negativity to be an anchor that holds you down.
Eventually, I came to realize that I didn’t want to grant one act to cancel out a lifetime of sharing, closeness, and commitment. I selected to focus on the positive things my husband had done – the good dad he had been to our children, the good friend he had been to me, the rock that he had been for our family – rather than the one act which temporarily threw us off course. And, I wasn’t going to grant some intruder into our lives who had no place there.
Although it was sometimes difficult, I’m glad I did the hard work necessary to forgive my husband. Even though I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very individualized story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
